Dichotomies

     You know, I am not the biggest fan of dichotomies, or maybe to say it upfront, I am not a fan of them at all. But sometimes, certain methodiological approaches make sense in a certain context.
    I do not see the world in black and white, I see it in rainbow colors. Most of the time, at least. 
    But when it comes to me - I am a personified dichotomy. Emotionally and psychologically.
    I am a forever optimist who leads with love and kindness and always tries to see the good and positive in both people and situations. If there is a problem, there is a solution, it might not be an easy or simple one but I truly believe, through an open communication, there is always a solution. And I am a big fan of compromises, as well. Well, obviously.
    But let's come back to the one big dichotomy I'd like to talk about today. I am a happy go lucky kind of girl, but sometimes it does get very gloomy inside of me and all I can feel is this seemingly forever lasting tumult and sadness. 
    And I know it is not easy for the people who are dearest to me and I have been working on solving this "problem" my whole life. It is not easy for them to see me in this state as all they usually know is a real burden on them, or eventually becomes one.
    I am who I am, I am made out of two dichotomies, I am willing to bring them into balance, to make a shade of grey out of this black and white color but it is easier said than done. 
    My whole life I have been between these two polar opposites where I always have to explain myslef, even though I really can not explain it altogether. I do not have reasons for these switches, and one of them is very much more prevalent than the other. The positive one, luckily.
    But when I fall, I fall deep and hard and it is all but roses and butterflies. It is moths and stickiness and the feeling of having no way out.
    I guess some would call it a high functioning depression.
    Some would call it mood swings.
    Some would call it anything but normal.
    Yet here I am, living through it all. And not only surviving, but actually thriving. Because life is not always roses and butterflies, sometimes  it's coronations and moths. And that is perfectly alright, that is the way of life and the way of feeling and coping. I cry a lot and I laugh a lot and I like both of the actions, equally. Because it is a form of realease. And in the end, all I want to actually do is to release it all and feel at peace.
    Because feeling the both dichotomies through and not controlling them brings me peace. And inner peace is far more important than control.