Dichotomies

     You know, I am not the biggest fan of dichotomies, or maybe to say it upfront, I am not a fan of them at all. But sometimes, certain methodiological approaches make sense in a certain context.
    I do not see the world in black and white, I see it in rainbow colors. Most of the time, at least. 
    But when it comes to me - I am a personified dichotomy. Emotionally and psychologically.
    I am a forever optimist who leads with love and kindness and always tries to see the good and positive in both people and situations. If there is a problem, there is a solution, it might not be an easy or simple one but I truly believe, through an open communication, there is always a solution. And I am a big fan of compromises, as well. Well, obviously.
    But let's come back to the one big dichotomy I'd like to talk about today. I am a happy go lucky kind of girl, but sometimes it does get very gloomy inside of me and all I can feel is this seemingly forever lasting tumult and sadness. 
    And I know it is not easy for the people who are dearest to me and I have been working on solving this "problem" my whole life. It is not easy for them to see me in this state as all they usually know is a real burden on them, or eventually becomes one.
    I am who I am, I am made out of two dichotomies, I am willing to bring them into balance, to make a shade of grey out of this black and white color but it is easier said than done. 
    My whole life I have been between these two polar opposites where I always have to explain myslef, even though I really can not explain it altogether. I do not have reasons for these switches, and one of them is very much more prevalent than the other. The positive one, luckily.
    But when I fall, I fall deep and hard and it is all but roses and butterflies. It is moths and stickiness and the feeling of having no way out.
    I guess some would call it a high functioning depression.
    Some would call it mood swings.
    Some would call it anything but normal.
    Yet here I am, living through it all. And not only surviving, but actually thriving. Because life is not always roses and butterflies, sometimes  it's coronations and moths. And that is perfectly alright, that is the way of life and the way of feeling and coping. I cry a lot and I laugh a lot and I like both of the actions, equally. Because it is a form of realease. And in the end, all I want to actually do is to release it all and feel at peace.
    Because feeling the both dichotomies through and not controlling them brings me peace. And inner peace is far more important than control.

Very much excited ^^

     Let me start this post with saying I swear this is not how I planned it to be with not posting anything for two months. If you did that back in 2010, everyone would be worried! No, for real, they would.
    So I guess this is a little apology for not keeping you up to date lately but I've just been, ya know, living life
    But enough of that, today, I want to talk about excitement. And maybe anxiety - because don't they actually go hand in hand?
    I've generally always been pretty excited about life and things and the future and all the good stuff that is to come. Needless to say, I burned myself a couple of times. 
    Later on, I learned to expect nothing and appreciate everything - the exciting and the mundane and the heartbreaking and tumultuous.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone tries so hard to not get excited about certain things and outcomes and that this is not the way to go. Because in my opinion, this is leading with fear and making yourself so small, although you are worth the best outcome and all the things you dream about and work hard for.
    And there is nothing wrong with that, I do partially believe this is a societal issue, as well as a personal. When we were young, the excitement was pure and innocent and the society and the experience we have made over all these years made us feel like we are not deserving of being excited because you can then as well be disappointed if it did not work out or you did not get this one thing you wanted to bad.
    Additionally, I was like that for literally the longest time. And I am still in certain situations.
    But then I realized it does not help anyone and it certainly does not help me. So I recognized it. And I confronted it and it triggers me and I am still unlearing this thought pattern but it's a process.
    So, this is when we start talking about anxiety. I so long thought I was not anxious, I thought that, I am just thinking a little too much and had to have it all figured out every second of my life. Turns out it was not just overthiking. Are we the anxious generation? Growing up with 9/11, 2008 economical crisis, then a few good years, then covid rolls around. Do you understand what I am trying to say here?
    Yeah, I used to be excited but I used to be equally scared. I used to escape it all in various ways. But sometimes, and especially with anxiety, you just have to surrender to it. I know this sounds pretty unclear and kind of a foreign concept but surrender to the feeling, surrender to the sensation. Because you are not anxiety, you have anxiety. 
    Whoa, just poured my heart out here a little.
    Well I guess that is how I see the excitement and the fear and the anxiety.
    But coming back to me just living life, I also learned how to be healthily excited about certain things and how to yes, be still afraid you are going to be disppointed, but hang on to the positive exciting thought of things always working in your favor.
    And once you actively start working on this, you'll be quite literally amazed.
    
    Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
    

Ljubav Era

   Maybe it's the fact that I have been obessively listening to Taylor Swift's Lover, maybe it's just the feeling that I always said I have so much love to give but no one to give it to and now I feel like I actually have someone I can give it to.

  Don't get me wrong, I am talking no platonic love here - of course, I have always had my friends but you know, it's just not the same as romantic love.

  And I am not saying one is better than the other - they're just - well - different.

  I am so profoundly grateful for my little heart and that it learned how to open itself up again.

  It's just been really eye opening experience - all the times I thought I am fully healed, turns out I was not. And I did not stop working on it. And it paid off.

  This is your little beacon of light in the vast world of interwebz. You can be happy and not be afraid of stating it.

  Always leading with love.

On The Importance of Being Cozy

    Coziness is not a feeling, it’s a way of life. There I said it.It’s one of my non-negotiables for winter, as well. If it’s not providing at least some level of coziness, I’m not going.    
    I want to feel embraced, I want to embrace others. But preferably from the safety of my own home. Some may say winter makes one to become a homebody but I think we should take it slower in the colder months and cut ourselves some slack.
    It is neither natural, nor sustainable to be productive all the damn time.
So, stay home, drink tea, get yourselves a coloring book, crochet, drink red wine and cook nice dinners. We can be productive later.

#girlhood

    Today my dear friends, we are going to talk about girlhood. Well, my take on it anyway.I am grateful to be a girl, a woman. I truly am. And yes it comes with its own little curse but I wholeheartedly enjoy and love being a woman.

    I’d love to take you on a little journey through a couple of elements or parts of girlhood for me - the way I’d like to convey my thoughts and keep it a little structured, too.

    I am going to start with my utterly subjective definition of girlhood. For me, being a girl is a feeling of safety. I know kind of weird, right. It’s this communal, maternal, full feeling of warmth. Of belonging and of kinship and of unconditional love. Of reliability and letting go. Of knowing, of power. 

    I think that it is hard to put this whole feeling into words, to be quite honest. It's the orange color, it's the sun, it's sunflowers, it's tears and laughs and tumult and sorrow and extasy and joy. It's deep deep intuition and this knowledge, secret and profound knowledge.

    Secondly, there is the societal definition of girlhood - the genderly normed bs - that girls wear pink and that we like bows and one day we are going to make a perfect wife and a beutiful petite innocent creature. That we do not poop, that we do not complain and that we can not say no.

    I don't like this definition and yes I know I've exaggerated a little here but you get the gist.

    Then there is the scientific, the anthropological defition of girlhood - all the stats and facts and studies. All the emancipatory waves and the history and how we come together.

    What we have changed and moved and how different it is to being a man. It's alright you know, I appreciate science and academical texts and pursuit of knowing. But I do strongly believe girlhood, girlhood as such should be described by and through poetry, through short stories, through novels.

    It's not solely the facts. 

    It is so much more.    

    So so much more.

You see what I did here. A simple stilistical method and here we go, now we're talking.

    I am just playing with words here, I am just spilling my mind onto a digital paper.

    But yes, I think it is very important to actually give proper credit to the subjective definition of girlhood for each and every woman. Because of course, it varies but at one level, but we all can always relate to it. It is a little spooky sometimes. But beautiful nonetheless.

    All in all, it is very challenging and comes with its price but I love love love being a woman. And I am so grateful for the women in my life, for their mere existence, for being there for me, for always having my back. For all the giggles and stories and little moments of belonging, of being a part of something bigger.