I am growing

    I thought the Saturn return period is the time you should be experincing all this I have been experiencing the whole summer long - but I digress.
    There is something magical about sitting with your feelings, there is something very freeing about it. And for the first time in your life, not judging your feelings, rather than that just observing them, looking at them come and go. And how it affects your body and your mind and ultimately, your soul. 
    You know, your worth is not measured in how well you got it figured out. Because no one does, everyone is just faking it. 
    And the best part about this whole process is that once you realize that and once you go through it, process it, you no longer need any external validation. You are here, and that is the most important thing of all. Showing up for yourself, not giving up and just in the thick of it, still making the best out of it. And not blaming yourself and not feeling guilty about it. 
    Ultimately, this is all a very beautiful thing to realize. And to be able to rely on yourself and your loved ones - your friends and family. And to actually be able to ask for help and to live through this and become stronger and a more healed human being. 
    But the path that leads there is definitely not an easy one. I did always prefer the harder way, even when I did not consciously realize this.
    The easy one is here for me now and presents itself to me and I will follow this path.

Invisible String

     I am in for the long run, I am in for the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs and everything inbetween. I am all in. 
    I want to cherish everyhing we have built, all we have experienced and how we grew. Sometimes, it's not easy, but this is my promise to you, that I am in until the cows come home.
    I have to still learn so many things, I still have some things to heal. And that is why I am the way I am sometimes. I feel triggered and jealous and if I do not talk about these feelings and let them eat me up from the inside, that is not what I want. And that does not do any good.
    So here I am, in the vast world of the interwebz, confessing my love to you. Because that is all I can, all I can do and talk about.
    I am going through a tumultuous time, so are you. And I want to work through it. Because I do not want to give up. I know I am maybe a bit silly for literally thinking this blogpost might be a little romantic, I do not write love letters though, I write blogsposts. You know, the millennial way.
    But very much probably it's just a little awkward to be doing this - when the only persion I am talking to is you. It has always been you, invisible string.

    
    

Time is a social construct

     I do not believe in linear time, because time is not linear. This is a man-made construct that was made to make us understand things in life and life itself easier. But it is completely wrong. 
    There is only the present moment and everything evolves around it as a spiral, you can experience déja vu and it's becuase you have truly been in this very moment before.
    As time is not linear, neither is healing. It is a process but so much more complex than just a straight line. As well as grieving, that is also not linear. It comes in waves and takes up your whole existence.
    You know it's hard for me to watch the people I love suffer, I guess this is (hopefully) the case for all of us but there is just something inside me that wants to make everything right. All the time. 
    And it's really really hard for me to unlearn this. I am a Virgo rising and the oldest daughter after all, as my brother would say -  a different breed. 
    I feel deeply responsible for not only my own wellbeing but also for the wellbeing of those I love. And it breaks my heart to admit that I am aware I am not always able to help. But a simple act of holding space for each other, just being here for each other is crucial. Sometimes less is more, as my dad says.
    And sometimes, time is the weirdest thing ever, how silly of me to think I have my future figured out?
    And how silly of me to think I have full closure on everything I have been through in the past?
    I think I am just trying to understand, as one usually does, and putting this into words and writing it down is some sort of therapeutic sorting of my own thoughts.
    

Dichotomies

     You know, I am not the biggest fan of dichotomies, or maybe to say it upfront, I am not a fan of them at all. But sometimes, certain methodiological approaches make sense in a certain context.
    I do not see the world in black and white, I see it in rainbow colors. Most of the time, at least. 
    But when it comes to me - I am a personified dichotomy. Emotionally and psychologically.
    I am a forever optimist who leads with love and kindness and always tries to see the good and positive in both people and situations. If there is a problem, there is a solution, it might not be an easy or simple one but I truly believe, through an open communication, there is always a solution. And I am a big fan of compromises, as well. Well, obviously.
    But let's come back to the one big dichotomy I'd like to talk about today. I am a happy go lucky kind of girl, but sometimes it does get very gloomy inside of me and all I can feel is this seemingly forever lasting tumult and sadness. 
    And I know it is not easy for the people who are dearest to me and I have been working on solving this "problem" my whole life. It is not easy for them to see me in this state as all they usually know is a real burden on them, or eventually becomes one.
    I am who I am, I am made out of two dichotomies, I am willing to bring them into balance, to make a shade of grey out of this black and white color but it is easier said than done. 
    My whole life I have been between these two polar opposites where I always have to explain myslef, even though I really can not explain it altogether. I do not have reasons for these switches, and one of them is very much more prevalent than the other. The positive one, luckily.
    But when I fall, I fall deep and hard and it is all but roses and butterflies. It is moths and stickiness and the feeling of having no way out.
    I guess some would call it a high functioning depression.
    Some would call it mood swings.
    Some would call it anything but normal.
    Yet here I am, living through it all. And not only surviving, but actually thriving. Because life is not always roses and butterflies, sometimes  it's coronations and moths. And that is perfectly alright, that is the way of life and the way of feeling and coping. I cry a lot and I laugh a lot and I like both of the actions, equally. Because it is a form of realease. And in the end, all I want to actually do is to release it all and feel at peace.
    Because feeling the both dichotomies through and not controlling them brings me peace. And inner peace is far more important than control.

Very much excited ^^

     Let me start this post with saying I swear this is not how I planned it to be with not posting anything for two months. If you did that back in 2010, everyone would be worried! No, for real, they would.
    So I guess this is a little apology for not keeping you up to date lately but I've just been, ya know, living life
    But enough of that, today, I want to talk about excitement. And maybe anxiety - because don't they actually go hand in hand?
    I've generally always been pretty excited about life and things and the future and all the good stuff that is to come. Needless to say, I burned myself a couple of times. 
    Later on, I learned to expect nothing and appreciate everything - the exciting and the mundane and the heartbreaking and tumultuous.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone tries so hard to not get excited about certain things and outcomes and that this is not the way to go. Because in my opinion, this is leading with fear and making yourself so small, although you are worth the best outcome and all the things you dream about and work hard for.
    And there is nothing wrong with that, I do partially believe this is a societal issue, as well as a personal. When we were young, the excitement was pure and innocent and the society and the experience we have made over all these years made us feel like we are not deserving of being excited because you can then as well be disappointed if it did not work out or you did not get this one thing you wanted to bad.
    Additionally, I was like that for literally the longest time. And I am still in certain situations.
    But then I realized it does not help anyone and it certainly does not help me. So I recognized it. And I confronted it and it triggers me and I am still unlearing this thought pattern but it's a process.
    So, this is when we start talking about anxiety. I so long thought I was not anxious, I thought that, I am just thinking a little too much and had to have it all figured out every second of my life. Turns out it was not just overthiking. Are we the anxious generation? Growing up with 9/11, 2008 economical crisis, then a few good years, then covid rolls around. Do you understand what I am trying to say here?
    Yeah, I used to be excited but I used to be equally scared. I used to escape it all in various ways. But sometimes, and especially with anxiety, you just have to surrender to it. I know this sounds pretty unclear and kind of a foreign concept but surrender to the feeling, surrender to the sensation. Because you are not anxiety, you have anxiety. 
    Whoa, just poured my heart out here a little.
    Well I guess that is how I see the excitement and the fear and the anxiety.
    But coming back to me just living life, I also learned how to be healthily excited about certain things and how to yes, be still afraid you are going to be disppointed, but hang on to the positive exciting thought of things always working in your favor.
    And once you actively start working on this, you'll be quite literally amazed.
    
    Thank you for coming to my TED Talk