This Is The End

    Sometimes things just disappear. Sometimes you can not fight it and you just have to flow with it. Sometimes you fall but you know getting up has always made you stronger. Sometimes all things that shine are not gold. Sometimes you surrender and for the first time in your life it does not feel pushed or foreign but natural and familiar. Sometimes you flow through life with such an ease even though the burden you are carrying is trying to stop you. But you won't let it, on the contrary, you release it.
    And you know yourself so much better now, you know your value and you stand upright. Just the thought of this is your glimmer of hope and gives you not only security but also so much feeling of content.
    And eventually, you'll wake up and it will be a beautiful spring day and you will be able to smell the new beginnings in the air. And then you realize, that this whole time, this whole transition period was worth it. All the pain was worth it and all the rage (which you did not even know you were capable of) was worth it. You stand tall with your head high, you are grounded and you do not need to keep finding yourself, because you found yourself a long long time ago - and have not looked back ever since. You got this. You are powerful. You are loved. You are capable of so much more. You see good in people and you are kind and genuine. You survived way worse things in your life, so why fold now.

Say Yes To Your Body

     Do you know what, I have been feeling so much like myself again lately and does have a few reasons actually.
    Firstly, I have been moving my body in ways I enjoy and that bring me joy. I was brought up in a way that the importance of physical exercise, however it might look like for you, is a crucial part of feeling balanced. I used to swim competetively, I was always quite into running, I loved playing volleyball and floorball, I love watching sports, too. And the fact that I am just about to turn thirty in less than 5 months and am coming back to re-discover this old passion of mine is kind of beautiful. And in the way that it suits my body and my needs and my stamina. Because in order to be able to enjoy it, you have to find the specific type of body movement that resonates with you and does not punish you.  
    Secondly, I have been doing meditative breathwork regularly and just going deeper and deeper. This one is a special one. I have been part of meditative circles on and off since 2020. Mostly online, that is probably important to mention. But in the past few months I started going to in person meditations with a gong and with active breathwork and with singing bowls and with visualisations and man oh man was I missing out! Don't get me wrong, online meditations are great and all but it just does not hit the same as in person sessions and journeys do. I feel like I have learned so much about myself and had a couple of pretty profound experiences and I just feel so grateful to have the possibility and opportunity to go deeper within mysef.        
    Thirdly, I learned to trust my body and myself and therefore I am able to reach the level of authenticity that is the highest possible vibration there is. (Yeah, for real, one would think the highest possible level of vibration for people is the feeling of love, but no no, authenticity is the one.)
    It's like I have been experiencing all these situations that put me in the posistion of being allowed to be fully myself, like dancing with strangers I met two hours ago to The Smiths and properly reading a book by Stephen King for the first time in my life. It's like singing and playing the guitar with a guy you met briefly and people giving you coins for your performance. It's like being so comfortable with your own company. It's like saying yes to things that excite you and knowing your limits.
    The bottomline is, your body is not your temple but it is also not a dumpster. It is what you make and believe it to be and it carries wisdom and generational traumas and you simply have to trust the process of becoming.

I am growing

    I thought the Saturn return period is the time you should be experincing all this I have been experiencing the whole summer long - but I digress.
    There is something magical about sitting with your feelings, there is something very freeing about it. And for the first time in your life, not judging your feelings, rather than that just observing them, looking at them come and go. And how it affects your body and your mind and ultimately, your soul. 
    You know, your worth is not measured in how well you got it figured out. Because no one does, everyone is just faking it. 
    And the best part about this whole process is that once you realize that and once you go through it, process it, you no longer need any external validation. You are here, and that is the most important thing of all. Showing up for yourself, not giving up and just in the thick of it, still making the best out of it. And not blaming yourself and not feeling guilty about it. 
    Ultimately, this is all a very beautiful thing to realize. And to be able to rely on yourself and your loved ones - your friends and family. And to actually be able to ask for help and to live through this and become stronger and a more healed human being. 
    But the path that leads there is definitely not an easy one. I did always prefer the harder way, even when I did not consciously realize this.
    The easy one is here for me now and presents itself to me and I will follow this path.

Invisible String

     I am in for the long run, I am in for the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs and everything inbetween. I am all in. 
    I want to cherish everyhing we have built, all we have experienced and how we grew. Sometimes, it's not easy, but this is my promise to you, that I am in until the cows come home.
    I have to still learn so many things, I still have some things to heal. And that is why I am the way I am sometimes. I feel triggered and jealous and if I do not talk about these feelings and let them eat me up from the inside, that is not what I want. And that does not do any good.
    So here I am, in the vast world of the interwebz, confessing my love to you. Because that is all I can, all I can do and talk about.
    I am going through a tumultuous time, so are you. And I want to work through it. Because I do not want to give up. I know I am maybe a bit silly for literally thinking this blogpost might be a little romantic, I do not write love letters though, I write blogsposts. You know, the millennial way.
    But very much probably it's just a little awkward to be doing this - when the only persion I am talking to is you. It has always been you, invisible string.

    
    

Time is a social construct

     I do not believe in linear time, because time is not linear. This is a man-made construct that was made to make us understand things in life and life itself easier. But it is completely wrong. 
    There is only the present moment and everything evolves around it as a spiral, you can experience déja vu and it's becuase you have truly been in this very moment before.
    As time is not linear, neither is healing. It is a process but so much more complex than just a straight line. As well as grieving, that is also not linear. It comes in waves and takes up your whole existence.
    You know it's hard for me to watch the people I love suffer, I guess this is (hopefully) the case for all of us but there is just something inside me that wants to make everything right. All the time. 
    And it's really really hard for me to unlearn this. I am a Virgo rising and the oldest daughter after all, as my brother would say -  a different breed. 
    I feel deeply responsible for not only my own wellbeing but also for the wellbeing of those I love. And it breaks my heart to admit that I am aware I am not always able to help. But a simple act of holding space for each other, just being here for each other is crucial. Sometimes less is more, as my dad says.
    And sometimes, time is the weirdest thing ever, how silly of me to think I have my future figured out?
    And how silly of me to think I have full closure on everything I have been through in the past?
    I think I am just trying to understand, as one usually does, and putting this into words and writing it down is some sort of therapeutic sorting of my own thoughts.