I figured that when I had this epiphany to resurrect my blog, I shall also go ahead and re-introduce myself. Introduce myself in the first place, technically speaking. I was a teenager when I started this blog. Now I am almost 29. /29!/ and all I can think of right now is Schmidt in New Girl and his 29th birthday celebration and how I've always joked once I turn 29 I am going to be annoyingly saying twenty-nine in Schmidt's voice the whole night.
Well maybe it is not the only thing that I can think of, but you get what I mean. If you were to tell my 15 year old self who passionately but very awkwardly started this blog, that 14 years later I am going to be back and not let this little (visual) diary go to the interwebz garbage, she'd probably be pretty amazed. And curious, obviously. Curious about how I've turned out to be as a proper adult. Because quite honestly, I do feel like one. I think I've been feeling like one ever since I got my own place. Rented, of course. But my own little sanctuary.
It't a nice and comforting thought. I was trying so hard back then, trying and mostly suceeding but not always. And I don't know why I've always had this urge to put myself out there but I think it's kind of nice to have something to look back later on (how nostalgic, I know).
Fourteen years is a damn long time, so I will spare you the details. At this point, I just want to express how nice it is to be alive. Not to just exist, but to actually live. To focus on the present moment and just be. This is somethig I've struggled with for the longest time, either being trapped in the past or hopeful / anxious about the future. Now I am just grateful, truly grateful.
And so I am here, sitting on the couch in my kitchen, with a lit incense and Fata&Morgana set playing, reflecting on the past decade and a half.
I feel like I am still the same, in my core but so many things have changed - I mean of course they did, if they did not that'd be quite sad - and I welcomed the change with open arms. And learned to embrace it and learn from it.
It's quite funny though, all these silly little moments in life and all the people I've met and just, you know, life is pretty nice. Complicated, but nice. What I am trying to convey is the fact that in a way to come back to this virtual space is a full circle moment for me. I feel like I've never in my life been more myself than I am now, comfortable in my own skin but also character- and value-wise.
The cool thing is, I can just be myself because I no longer care much about how I come across, or if I said something embarrasing. Or acted in a weird way.
Additonally, I am no longer trying to fit in, to impress, well at least not most of the time. And I am dealing with things properly and not running away from problems and overall I mean of course we develop and we get older but the sheer difference between all of my past versions and my current version is just astonishing to me in a way.
I guess I am just a girl, I am a girls' girl and maybe I just think a little too much and notice a little too detailed but it does not change the fact that I am also a woman and I know my mental power and listen carefully.
I am in a position in my life where I am really content in pretty much all of its areas. And that is a very reassuring thought. And in case I am not, I am changing something about the situation. Which gives me confidence in myself.
So on that note, welcome to my humble home. I hope you have fun.
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