Very much excited ^^

     Let me start this post with saying I swear this is not how I planned it to be with not posting anything for two months. If you did that back in 2010, everyone would be worried! No, for real, they would.
    So I guess this is a little apology for not keeping you up to date lately but I've just been, ya know, living life
    But enough of that, today, I want to talk about excitement. And maybe anxiety - because don't they actually go hand in hand?
    I've generally always been pretty excited about life and things and the future and all the good stuff that is to come. Needless to say, I burned myself a couple of times. 
    Later on, I learned to expect nothing and appreciate everything - the exciting and the mundane and the heartbreaking and tumultuous.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone tries so hard to not get excited about certain things and outcomes and that this is not the way to go. Because in my opinion, this is leading with fear and making yourself so small, although you are worth the best outcome and all the things you dream about and work hard for.
    And there is nothing wrong with that, I do partially believe this is a societal issue, as well as a personal. When we were young, the excitement was pure and innocent and the society and the experience we have made over all these years made us feel like we are not deserving of being excited because you can then as well be disappointed if it did not work out or you did not get this one thing you wanted to bad.
    Additionally, I was like that for literally the longest time. And I am still in certain situations.
    But then I realized it does not help anyone and it certainly does not help me. So I recognized it. And I confronted it and it triggers me and I am still unlearing this thought pattern but it's a process.
    So, this is when we start talking about anxiety. I so long thought I was not anxious, I thought that, I am just thinking a little too much and had to have it all figured out every second of my life. Turns out it was not just overthiking. Are we the anxious generation? Growing up with 9/11, 2008 economical crisis, then a few good years, then covid rolls around. Do you understand what I am trying to say here?
    Yeah, I used to be excited but I used to be equally scared. I used to escape it all in various ways. But sometimes, and especially with anxiety, you just have to surrender to it. I know this sounds pretty unclear and kind of a foreign concept but surrender to the feeling, surrender to the sensation. Because you are not anxiety, you have anxiety. 
    Whoa, just poured my heart out here a little.
    Well I guess that is how I see the excitement and the fear and the anxiety.
    But coming back to me just living life, I also learned how to be healthily excited about certain things and how to yes, be still afraid you are going to be disppointed, but hang on to the positive exciting thought of things always working in your favor.
    And once you actively start working on this, you'll be quite literally amazed.
    
    Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
    

Ljubav Era

   Maybe it's the fact that I have been obessively listening to Taylor Swift's Lover, maybe it's just the feeling that I always said I have so much love to give but no one to give it to and now I feel like I actually have someone I can give it to.

  Don't get me wrong, I am talking no platonic love here - of course, I have always had my friends but you know, it's just not the same as romantic love.

  And I am not saying one is better than the other - they're just - well - different.

  I am so profoundly grateful for my little heart and that it learned how to open itself up again.

  It's just been really eye opening experience - all the times I thought I am fully healed, turns out I was not. And I did not stop working on it. And it paid off.

  This is your little beacon of light in the vast world of interwebz. You can be happy and not be afraid of stating it.

  Always leading with love.

On The Importance of Being Cozy

    Coziness is not a feeling, it’s a way of life. There I said it.It’s one of my non-negotiables for winter, as well. If it’s not providing at least some level of coziness, I’m not going.    
    I want to feel embraced, I want to embrace others. But preferably from the safety of my own home. Some may say winter makes one to become a homebody but I think we should take it slower in the colder months and cut ourselves some slack.
    It is neither natural, nor sustainable to be productive all the damn time.
So, stay home, drink tea, get yourselves a coloring book, crochet, drink red wine and cook nice dinners. We can be productive later.

#girlhood

    Today my dear friends, we are going to talk about girlhood. Well, my take on it anyway.I am grateful to be a girl, a woman. I truly am. And yes it comes with its own little curse but I wholeheartedly enjoy and love being a woman.

    I’d love to take you on a little journey through a couple of elements or parts of girlhood for me - the way I’d like to convey my thoughts and keep it a little structured, too.

    I am going to start with my utterly subjective definition of girlhood. For me, being a girl is a feeling of safety. I know kind of weird, right. It’s this communal, maternal, full feeling of warmth. Of belonging and of kinship and of unconditional love. Of reliability and letting go. Of knowing, of power. 

    I think that it is hard to put this whole feeling into words, to be quite honest. It's the orange color, it's the sun, it's sunflowers, it's tears and laughs and tumult and sorrow and extasy and joy. It's deep deep intuition and this knowledge, secret and profound knowledge.

    Secondly, there is the societal definition of girlhood - the genderly normed bs - that girls wear pink and that we like bows and one day we are going to make a perfect wife and a beutiful petite innocent creature. That we do not poop, that we do not complain and that we can not say no.

    I don't like this definition and yes I know I've exaggerated a little here but you get the gist.

    Then there is the scientific, the anthropological defition of girlhood - all the stats and facts and studies. All the emancipatory waves and the history and how we come together.

    What we have changed and moved and how different it is to being a man. It's alright you know, I appreciate science and academical texts and pursuit of knowing. But I do strongly believe girlhood, girlhood as such should be described by and through poetry, through short stories, through novels.

    It's not solely the facts. 

    It is so much more.    

    So so much more.

You see what I did here. A simple stilistical method and here we go, now we're talking.

    I am just playing with words here, I am just spilling my mind onto a digital paper.

    But yes, I think it is very important to actually give proper credit to the subjective definition of girlhood for each and every woman. Because of course, it varies but at one level, but we all can always relate to it. It is a little spooky sometimes. But beautiful nonetheless.

    All in all, it is very challenging and comes with its price but I love love love being a woman. And I am so grateful for the women in my life, for their mere existence, for being there for me, for always having my back. For all the giggles and stories and little moments of belonging, of being a part of something bigger.

    

Enchanted To Meet You

     I figured that when I had this epiphany to resurrect my blog, I shall also go ahead and re-introduce myself. Introduce myself in the first place, technically speaking. I was a teenager when I started this blog. Now I am almost 29. /29!/ and all I can think of right now is Schmidt in New Girl and his 29th birthday celebration and how I've always joked once I turn 29 I am going to be annoyingly saying twenty-nine in Schmidt's voice the whole night.
    Well maybe it is not the only thing that I can think of, but you get what I mean. If you were to tell my 15 year old self who passionately but very awkwardly started this blog, that 14 years later I am going to be back and not let this little (visual) diary go to the interwebz garbage, she'd probably be pretty amazed. And curious, obviously. Curious about how I've turned out to be as a proper adult. Because quite honestly, I do feel like one. I think I've been feeling like one ever since I got my own place. Rented, of course. But my own little sanctuary.
    It't a nice and comforting thought. I was trying so hard back then, trying and mostly suceeding but not always. And I don't know why I've always had this urge to put myself out there but I think it's kind of nice to have something to look back later on (how nostalgic, I know).
    Fourteen years is a damn long time, so I will spare you the details. At this point, I just want to express how nice it is to be alive. Not to just exist, but to actually live. To focus on the present moment and just be. This is somethig I've struggled with for the longest time, either being trapped in the past or hopeful / anxious about the future. Now I am just grateful, truly grateful.
    And so I am here, sitting on the couch in my kitchen, with a lit incense and Fata&Morgana set playing, reflecting on the past decade and a half. 
    I feel like I am still the same, in my core but so many things have changed - I mean of course they did, if they did not that'd be quite sad - and I welcomed the change with open arms. And learned to embrace it and learn from it. 
    It's quite funny though, all these silly little moments in life and all the people I've met and just, you know, life is pretty nice. Complicated, but nice. What I am trying to convey is the fact that in a way to come back to this virtual space is a full circle moment for me. I feel like I've never in my life been more myself than I am now, comfortable in my own skin but also character- and value-wise.
    The cool thing is, I can just be myself because I no longer care much about how I come across, or if I said something embarrasing. Or acted in a weird way. 
    Additonally, I am no longer trying to fit in, to impress, well at least not most of the time. And I am dealing with things properly and not running away from problems and overall I mean of course we develop and we get older but the sheer difference between all of my past versions and my current version is just astonishing to me in a way.
    I guess I am just a girl, I am a girls' girl and maybe I just think a little too much and notice a little too detailed but it does not change the fact that I am also a woman and I know my mental power and listen carefully.
    I am in a position in my life where I am really content in pretty much all of its areas. And that is a very reassuring thought. And in case I am not, I am changing something about the situation. Which gives me confidence in myself. 
    So on that note, welcome to my humble home. I hope you have fun.